“By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.” Proverbs 24:3-4
What if your spouse cared for you in a way that made you feel truly loved and appreciated? And what if you could do the same for your spouse?
You can!
For that to happen, each of us needs to take a cue from Proverbs 24:3-4 and build up the right knowledge about our spouse and what they actually need. Busting some myths and acting on truth are what will actually fill our homes with the “precious and pleasant riches” of delight and joy.
For example, commercials tell us that she wants to sport the newest diamond necklace or that he wants an SUV that romps through wilderness terrain with ease. But trust me, your spouse’s deepest needs are much less expensive to address.
Based on our nationally representative research with more than 40,000 men and women, it turns out that the little things are usually what make the big difference for marriages. When my husband, Jeff, and I are invited to lead marriage conferences at churches, we see lightbulbs go on left and right as men and women look at each other and say things like:
Is this really what you need?
Do you really feel this way?
All this time, I never knew.
In many cases, husbands really don’t know their wives’ deepest needs, and vice versa. Why? How can a couple that has been married for 20 years not have figured this out? Well, it’s because our deepest needs often arise from deepest insecurities. These are things we don’t fully understand about ourselves, so we certainly don’t know how to talk about them.
Also, it turns out, those deepest insecurities and needs are often different between men and women. There are always exceptions, but let’s peer into what is likely to be true about the inner life of our spouse with two top tips for each of us. Use these as a starting point for conversation!
Wife Tip #1: Let him know he’s good at what he does.
It may surprise us to know that our men often have a secret question deep down: Am I any good at what I do? I want to be a good husband, a good father, but am I? As a result, affirming men in what they do is far more emotionally powerful than most women realize.
In fact, the most practical way a woman can affirm her man in a way he longs to hear is to say two simple words: Thank you.
Yes, really! In fact, last year at a large women’s event I shared that when we tell our men, “I love you,” men do like hearing it. But according to our surveys, “thank you” goes to a whole other level. It makes most men feel deeply cared for. For most men, it is the emotional equivalent of “I love you” for women.
A woman in that audience loudly blurted out, “’Thank you?’ That’s it?!” As a ripple of laughter swept the crowd, she added, “I wish I’d known that 20 years ago.”
In our research for our book “For Women Only,” 72% of men said there was a sense of deep pleasure when they do something and their wives sincerely thank them for it.
Try it out today: Thank him for walking the dog or fixing the Wi-Fi. Even better, look for natural opportunities to thank him or praise him in front of others. If it is genuine, this simple show of respect will fill him up more than you know.
Wife Tip #2: Handle his heart with care.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23, NIV) is a familiar passage that reminds us to guard what we let “in.”
Wives, you cannot imagine how seriously our husbands take this verse.
Even when men project confidence, it’s crucial to know that on the inside, most men regularly feel a very real self-doubt: 76% of men in our survey confessed that they are not nearly as confident as they look. They feel very vulnerable inside.
What does this have to do with Proverbs 4:23? Our husbands love us, appreciate us, and offer their whole selves to us. Thus, no one holds more power to strengthen—or shred—their hearts than we do.
Many men described having almost a castle wall around their hearts. They don’t open up their real feelings to the world. The world can shoot arrows, but those comments won’t really hit and cause deep hurt. And yet a man will cautiously inch open the castle doors and invite the woman he loves and perhaps a few close friends to see his real feelings, knowing that he is placing his heart at risk. We have such an opportunity to handle it with care.
Try it out today: In conversation, try to remember that you are speaking to the inner, tender-hearted man, not the outer confident-looking one.
Husband Tip #1: Tell her you love her again, and again, and …
Men, you know your wife needs to feel loved, but you may not realize how easy it is for her not to feel loved. Why? It goes back to that insecurities thing. In our research for our book “For Men Only,” we found that many women subconsciously wonder, “Am I loveable?” More than 80% of women also have an underlying insecurity about whether their men really love them.
“But I told her just last month when we went to that party,” you might be thinking. And to that I gently counter, how would you feel if the last time your wife said “thank you” was a month ago?
Twenty years of rigorous data has shown us that just as you need to feel respected for a job well done (because deep down inside you’re not sure if you are doing a good job) women need to be told they are loved (because deep down inside we ask, “Am I worthy of that love?”).
This deep inner question may “leak out” in a pattern of seeking reassurance, which can (understandably) be confounding for men. So, here’s the translation: If your wife asks, “Do you love me?” in the evening when you already told her in the morning, what she’s asking is: “Do you really love me?”
Being reassured is powerful. Yes, we are each responsible for our own emotional state. But, husbands, do you see the tremendous power you wield to care for this tender place in your wife’s heart?
Try it out today: Send her a text that says, “I was just thinking about you.” Take her hand at a party. Or when she asks, give her a big hug and tell her you love her even more than you did this morning.
Husband Tip #2: Listen to Her Feelings
Has your wife ever begun to share a concern or worry, and told you, “I just want you to listen.”
Here’s what she’s really saying: “I want you to listen to what I’m feeling.” Most husbands want to be a hero in their wife’s eyes. And while you might feel that being the hero means being Mr. Fix-It, that can come later. You will actually be the hero if you first focus on her feelings. (“I’m so sorry. How did you feel when Sue contradicted you in front of your boss like that?”)
If you flip this order and try to fix things first, she may actually be frustrated with you for “not listening.” In the ”For Men Only” survey, 60% of women viewed it as a negative if they were describing an emotional problem and their partner jumped straight to trying to solve it.
An exception is if it’s a technical issue. If she says, “The car is making a funny noise,” saying “How does that make you feel?” is not going to help. But when she is wrestling with a bunch of emotions, she wants to be heard. In fact, helping her work through her feelings may even help her solve the problem. But if not, then you can ask if your solutions would be helpful.
Try it out today: Ask your wife if this “listen to my feelings” thing is true of her. If so, remember your first step is to help her feel heard. You can help her troubleshoot solutions later!
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Shaunti Feldhahn and her husband Jeff are relationship consultants and researchers living in Atlanta, Georgia. They attend Perimeter Church (PCA).