The assignment given in my counseling research class while working on my master’s degree was to determine where there was a research void regarding the topic of our choice. With my passion for parents and teens—the reason I wanted to become a counselor—I decided to investigate the effects of parenting styles on adolescents and young adults’ wellbeing. I was curious what role, if any, parenting played in the reported increase of anxiety, depression, low self-efficacy, resilience, and other all-around struggles with this population.
The more journal articles I read, the more fascinated I became. According to the research, both helicopter parenting and permissive parenting are significant contributors to the struggles of teens and young adults. But with these parenting styles being so very different, I wondered what both had in common that would cause the same maladaptive outcomes. This is where research fell short. My hypothesis, one I still hold to, is parental fear is the common contributing link.
I’m a counselor now, and fear is what I hear most from parents, regardless of the ages of their children. As a parent myself, I know personally these fears we have in relation to our children. We want our children to be happy, healthy, successful, and safe. We want them to trust Jesus. We want them to make good decisions and behave rightly. We want them to have positive peer influence and good friends. We want a good relationship with them ourselves. We fear the alternatives. We fear their exposure to and the normalizing of sin.
That’s a lot but not all of it. Comparison, others’ opinions, and our own performances as parents also stir fears. We desperately want to be good parents but worry we don’t measure up. We look around and feel like everybody else has things figured out. Add in the constant bombardment of information full of contradictory research and opinions from experts, influencers, peers, and parents, and we feel confused, paralyzed, and panicked.
It is easy to see how this drives our parenting.
Fear as a False Prophet
The realization of how much we cannot control might be most terrifying. The unknown fuels our fear-driven narratives. But rather than challenging the voice of fear, we allow it to rule. In this way you could say fear is a false prophet. We listen to its voice above all else, resigned to believe that all our what-ifs and worst-case scenario fears will materialize.
Played out it may look like this: Imagine I have an eight-year-old son who I want to make a certain team. The false prophet of fear convinces me that this tryout determines his future. If he fails to make the team he will never play in high school. He will be left out by the boys who do make the team, and consequently never have a friend group.
From an outside perspective we see such broad-sweeping conclusions as irrational, but fear makes any alternative narrative hard to see. Fear’s false proclamations appear truer than God’s word and promises. We forget God is on his throne and think we must intervene to do whatever we can to guide, shield, protect, and advise our children. Fear leads us to trust in ourselves and not God.
Our intentions may be good. The problem is when our desires become megadesires, as Tim Keller described. It is no longer simply that we want our kids to be happy, healthy, successful, safe, or whatever other good thing, but functionally our “life” depends on it. Our controlling actions and escalated emotions are telltale signs that what was a good desire is now a ruling idol.
You can see, then, how fear influences our parenting styles! For instance, a helicopter parent ruled by the idol of happiness may swoop in to take control, even calling other parents, to ensure her child is not left out. The permissive parent ruled by this same idol may never say no to a child. Both parents are being ruled by the same idol, though the circumstances and manifestation of it look different.
The Antidote to Fear
Ruled by fear, we live as if we can secure perpetual peace and happiness. Our behavior, emotions, and thoughts will demonstrate what rules our hearts, so we must be willing to examine these things to identify when we have placed our trust in something other than God. But rather than beating ourselves up, seeing our idols for what they are shows us our need for Jesus. We can then acknowledge to the Lord what’s going on and ask for his deliverance. “I’m scared, and trying to control what I think will bring me security. Help me trust you.”
The One who is the Prince of Peace is the only one who can drive out all fear and fill us with the peace we long for. He came to achieve and ensure our eternal peace with God. Because he did, we are secure with God; his love for us is unchanging, his promises true, his victory accomplished, and his rule everlasting. May we fix our eyes on him who is our peace and let these realities be the narrative we tell ourselves to combat the false narratives fear would have us believe.
For “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you” (Isaiah 26:3).
Kristen Hatton, M.A., LPC, is a professional counselor and author. She lives with her pastor-husband, Pete, in Dallas, Texas, and together they have three young adult children, a son-in-law and soon to be daughter-in-law.