In the middle of a HIIT class on a Monday morning, tears welled up in my eyes. I was doing jumping jacks, for heaven’s sakes, why now? I tried to zero in on what the instructor was saying, but the tears now streamed down my face. I couldn’t keep going like that, so mid workout I put my equipment away and walked out.
It was graduation week for my daughter, our first born. All I could think about was life without her at home. My only consolation was that my sons were still in middle school, so I had six years before the house was empty.
That was 10 years ago. I have now been an empty nester for nearly four years, though I found that with college kids, extended holiday and summer breaks and parents’ weekends at school ease the transition. But now that chapter for me is also closing. My youngest graduates from college this month; my older two are already married.
You, too, may know the mixed emotions that come with launching children into the world. But even if that stage is a far-off reality, with every new phase our children enter — even if it is a welcome change — there is some loss.
This may look like fighting back tears and beaming with pride as your child completes another school year, maybe even the final one at a certain school. Or, watching your child master a new skill or step into a new experience that comes with growing independence but also signals you are no longer needed in a certain way. Whatever it is, every mother at times feels the tension of wanting to hold tight to what was while learning to let go.
The month of May highlights these feelings as children meet milestones, close chapters, and open doors to new beginnings. But in the changes that bring as much joy as grief, one thing is certain: We are not alone. God sees us with compassion and brings us comfort through his Word.
Here are four reminders of God’s truth to uphold you in changing seasons:
1. Every season has its time.
I often hear moms say they wish they could rewind time or freeze their children where they are now. I get it; the pace of childhood feels breathtakingly fast. During my daughter’s high school senior year, I used the hashtag #stoptheclock on my social media posts. These phrases express lament, and the sadness we feel is valid. It is the end of the season, but not the end of the story.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 tells us there is an ordained time for every season, and every season has its purpose. Nothing about these changing seasons, our emotions in them, or our children’s growing up surprises God. Every stage our children walk through he has planned for them, and for us.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11).
2. Seasons change, but God does not.
Speaking of hope, though seasons change, we have a God who never changes (Hebrews 13:8). His faithfulness and steadfast love did not run out with the Israelites. He is the same God for us today as he was for them. Only, we have the benefit of living on this side of the cross; Jesus’ finished work guarantees our hope will not return void.
God did what he promised in the Garden of Eden by sending a Redeemer to do for us what we could not do for ourselves. And when we trust in Jesus’ redemptive work for us, we are united to God for all eternity. Therefore, whatever we face in parenting (and in all of life), we can ultimately rest in God’s promise of an inheritance kept in heaven for us and all things being made new.
3. Your child is growing, and so are you.
I am not the same person I was 27 years ago when my first child was born. I am not the same person I was even five years ago. As my children have grown, so have I. It’s the process of sanctification, or the growing in grace, as I like to think of it.
When our children are little, we cannot imagine the teen years coming (though helping parents think forward is why I wrote “Parenting Ahead”). Even so, God has us right where we are in particular seasons, growing alongside our kids so that when we get to the next stage, and the stage after that, we are prepared to walk in it. But sanctification sometimes does not look like what we think it should. God does not strengthen us so we can handle the teen years, and all that comes with them, on our own. Rather, he develops our dependence on him.
I know more today than I once did about how greatly I need God’s help in all things, but I would not have learned this lesson the same way without the trials that came in different seasons of parenting. And as challenging as some of those seasons were, I would never undo the hard to revert back to my self sufficiency. Like Paul, I boast more now in my need, knowing that God’s grace is sufficient for me, and his power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).
4. Your role changes, but your identity is secure.
Sometimes we grieve the changing parenting season because our role in our children’s lives diminishes as they get older. True, they do not need us in the same ways as they age (by God’s good design), but that doesn’t mean our purpose is gone or our identity lost. It just looks different. Instead of acting as a manager, protector, teacher, and disciplinarian, we become mentors, encouragers, prayer warriors, and friends. And I can tell you as an empty nester mom, relating to my kids as adults is such a joy!
My job was never to control my children’s stories. God is the one writing their stories, and my rest — my deepest identity — comes from being loved by God, not being needed by kids. So out of the abundance of God’s love for me, I can walk securely in every season with joy and thankfulness, even if for a time there is sadness, too.
Wherever you are in this journey of motherhood — whatever you are rejoicing over or crying out to God in — my prayer for you is the same one I pray for myself: “Lord, I know you are faithful. I know you are working all things for good, but I struggle to believe it every day. Would you help me trust you with my kids? And to rejoice in you always. Amen.”
Kristen Hatton, M.A., LPC, is a professional counselor and author. She lives with her pastor-husband, Pete, in Dallas, Texas, and together they have three young adult children, a son-in-law, and daughter-in-law.