If you’re a parent, you have likely experienced how challenging it has become to stand firm on God’s word regarding sexuality and gender issues. Many schools have LGBTQ+ affirming groups with oversight by staff. Perhaps your family physician’s office updated their forms to ask patients about their gender identity. And media influencers creatively promote destructive ideas about our bodies, identity, sex, and what it means to be male, female, or a ‘new’ gender. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed and discouraged.
However, let’s be clear about a vital aspect of this discussion: amid what some simplify as a “culture war,” there are many kids (and adults) who are suffering with some form of distress regarding their gender, understanding of personal identity, romantic attractions (or lack thereof), or feeling “other.”
Some face the challenge of gender dysphoria: a psychological, emotional, or mental anguish due to incongruence between how someone feels and thinks about their sense of gender and their actual biological sex. And you may be facing the painful experience of a family member or friend identifying as genderqueer, demisexual, furry, or something else celebrated by the evolving sexual and gender revolution.
Where do parents start? Let’s consider three first steps. These steps come from Harvest USA’s free online courses: Raising Sexually Faithful Kids and Parenting Boys and Girls in a Gender-Confused World.
Understand what’s happening in your heart.
The first step isn’t to grab your Bible concordance and look up every verse on sex or identity. Parents, your first step is to honestly examine your heart and assess where you are personally regarding sexual integrity. How do you need the hope and mercy of the gospel? How do you need help as a parent entrusted with the amazing responsibility of discipling your kids regarding life in a fallen world, including sexuality and life as male and female image-bearers? This incredible role has been primarily entrusted to you as a parent or guardian (Deuteronomy 6:5-7).
A few thoughts regarding wise self-assessment. Keep a humble, Christ-dependent realism about your qualifications (Psalm 139:23-24; Hebrews 4:16). Maybe you’ve failed personally in these areas and have current sexual sin struggles. Perhaps you don’t have a sexually healthy, faithful marriage. You may feel unqualified to teach children considering your imperfect track record. Or maybe the Bible’s teaching on these topics is foreign or intimidating.
It’s good to remember that you need God’s help as much as your kids do, and he is the one who qualifies you through Christ’s perfect life of obedience and love.
Learn a biblical foundation for sexuality and gender.
Remembering how we need the Lord softens our hearts and can motivate us to become equipped. To teach your kids, you need to learn what the Bible teaches about these topics. The wisest starting point is knowing the Bible’s grand narrative, and how sexuality and gender fit into it.
The grand story of the Bible is summed up by four key words which describe the “chapters” in God’s redemptive history. Here’s a summary from the PCA Women’s and Children’s Bible study, Made for More: A Shared Journey.
- Creation – Everything and everyone as God created it to be.
- Fall – Everything and everyone in creation is broken.
- Redemption – God’s promise to redeem fallen creation through the death, burial, and resurrection of his Son, Jesus.
- Consummation – The fulfillment of God’s plan to gather his people forever to live with him in the new heaven and new earth, worshiping him with our whole hearts for the rest of eternity.
You may be asking, what does this have to do with my kids thinking transgenderism is cool, or their uncle coming out as gay, or June’s Pride celebrations? It has everything to do with these things, along with struggles with masturbation, pornography, sexual fantasy, adultery, and more.
When we understand God’s created design, the pervasive destruction brought on by the fall of man into sin, the hope we have for transformation through the cross and resurrection of Jesus, and our sure future in the new creation, we gain wisdom for navigating our current cultural context.
Here are five key summary statements to give you a foundation and a roadmap, and you can find more in the booklet “Navigating Sexuality and Gender: Biblical Truth and God’s Compassionate Wisdom.”
- Creation: God is creator and Lord over all aspects of our humanity, including our bodies, sexuality, and our experiences with both. He created us to live according to his design for all of life.
- Creation: We are born male or female in the image of God, complementary to the other yet distinct.
- Creation: Together, men and women, boys and girls, are interdependent spiritual, relational, missional, physical, sexual, and eternal beings.
- Fall: Due to sin, all of creation has become broken, or corrupted, including our experiences with sexuality and gender.
- Redemption and Consummation: Christ conquered sin through his death and resurrection and is coming again and will bring restoration to our image bearing through glorified bodies, pain-free, Christ-exalting relationships, and clear thinking of what is true, good, holy, and right.
We have a sure hope that one day all temptation, brokenness, confusion, and sin regarding sexuality and gender will be done. There will be no doubt about what is true and leads to human flourishing. To navigate discipleship in these areas you must seek to develop a biblical worldview and understand the worldly wisdom that reverberates so boldly and destructively today.
Finally, disciple your kids.
Like you, your kids need to be taught God’s truth and how to apply it to their lives. Paul wrote, “For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths (2 Timothy 4:3-4).
God’s word won’t evolve, shift, or change. This is the anchor to hold on to as we disciple kids in two primary ways: “As you go” conversations and “international topic-focused” conversations.
“As you go” talks are just what they sound like. As you go about daily life, kids will ask questions about their bodies, something they see on television, or what they hear at school. In age-appropriate ways, you engage their questions and concerns from the foundation you are cultivating in your biblical worldview toolbelt. You’re not simply dispensing right information, but investing in their hearts and minds, their spiritual and character formation. You follow Jesus’ example by teaching with patience, mercy, gentleness, and humility.
“Intentional topic-focused” conversations are consistent, scheduled (most likely) discipleship opportunities to have with your kids over the time they are under your roof. A monthly ice-cream date, hike, or whatever you choose; these activities become a special time when your son or daughter knows you are committed to not only building a relationship with them, but helping them understand the gospel and the five summary statements mentioned earlier. You help them apply these things to their feelings, beliefs, fears, temptations, confusion, and sin struggles.
If all of this sounds like basic parenting tips, you’re right! I share these ideas to demystify discipleship regarding sexuality and gender. As precious as these parts of our humanity are, they are just one of many vital areas where your kids need your guidance. You don’t need to exalt sexuality and gender, but you must not avoid them.
May God give you encouragement and faithfulness as you engage this beautiful opportunity. You can check out the Harvest USA website for many free articles and resources for your family, and your church.
Ellen Mary Dykas is the Director of Equipping for Ministry to Women for Harvest USA.