At the nadir of her betrayal trauma, Jill Pool developed aphasia, a disruption to her ability to form words. She would try to read aloud to her children, but the words somehow jumped around on the page before her eyes and scrambled as she spoke them into the air. Her profound grief and loneliness were emotionally debilitating and physically manifesting.
Pool’s experience is not unique. A study on the trauma experienced by the wives of sexual addicts found that after discovering their husbands’ betrayals, 70% of women met the criteria for PTSD.
In those dark days, Pool could not have imagined her future. She could hardly believe her marriage would survive, let alone be restored. She could never have dreamed that she and her husband, Alonso, would be ministry partners, helping others who walked their same path.
Today, the Pools are certified professional coaches, and their business, Hope in the Havoc, offers coaching for betrayal trauma and problematic sexual behavior recovery.
Finding Words for the Inexplicable
As a discipline, coaching is distinct from counseling in that counseling dives into the pain of the past, whereas coaching is more focused on current issues and moving forward.
In the days of navigating her own pain, Pool found coaching to be very beneficial.
“God used a really great team of people, including some amazing coaches, to help me work through those dark days,” Pool recalls.
Reading the report from the PCA’s Ad Interim Committee on Domestic Abuse and Sexual Assault was also helpful. In it, she read that domestic abuse does not just involve physical abuse, but gaslighting and other means of harm.
“[The report] articulated some of the things that I didn’t have words for in a way that lined up with my faith, backed up by the Bible and by the Confessions that we believe,” Pool said. “That was hugely helpful to me.”
Pool brought the report to her pastors for discussion because the report’s wording explained what she had previously found inexplicable. Finding the words to express her experience also caused her to see the need for women to have trained advocates within the church.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 became a guiding inspiration, as Pool felt compelled to comfort other women with the comfort she had received.
“My heart is to help support and equip those women with helpful tools on their recovery journeys, while also staying true to their faith and values,” she said. “I really consider it a privilege to get to walk alongside these other women as they rediscover hope and healing.”
Currently, coaching takes place in one-on-one sessions that are mostly virtual, making the ministry accessible beyond geographic limitations. Eventually, she hopes the ministry can also offer group coaching sessions.
“There’s different benefits to both – being in that community of other people who get it, and also being able to work one on one about the specific things that are going on in your own life,” Pool said.
Alonso coaches single and married men struggling with sexual integrity. The Pools create resources that educate and advocate, and they are always willing to have a conversation with anyone seeking to learn more.
Pool is a certified partner coach candidate from the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists. Alonso is a certified sex addiction specialist coach candidate Christian Sex Addiction Specialists International.
Helping Women to Trust Again
The traumatizing behavior can take many forms, including adultery, pornography, emotional affairs, and financial betrayal. The common thread, however, is broken trust.
For many of the women she works with, the lies are the hardest thing to heal from, Pool said.
Drawing from her APSATS training, Pool describes the recovery process in three steps: 1.) safety and stability; 2.) grief and mourning; and 3.) reconnection. Sometimes marriages do not survive these betrayals. Hope in the Havoc ministers to both divorced and married women.
The categories look clear on paper, but the process is neither formulaic nor linear. The priority is to create a safe place for women to share and process their experiences. Being a safe person is a significant component to being a coach.
Hope in the Havoc’s ministry to women provides a vital spiritual element as well, since many of the women Pool sees are also struggling spiritually. The rate of faith crises in the midst of betrayal trauma is as high as 83%.
“They’re not just struggling with their husbands. They’re struggling with God. Where is he in all of this?” Pool said. “[We] sit with that and remind them that God is big enough to sit with that as well and let them share that hurt and that pain.”
There are also common misconceptions associated with this type of betrayal. The betrayed can find herself the subject of blame, both from others and from her own shame. She might imagine that if she had done something different, or been a better version of herself, she could have prevented this.
The reality, Pool says, is that no shortcoming in a relationship gives license to betrayal.
Another misunderstanding is to downplay the harm caused by betrayal from pornography use and emotional affairs when compared with sins like physical adultery.
“We start to try to create this hierarchy of pain, and the reality is that betrayal is traumatic because it’s our most intimate relationship that’s been broken. That’s devastating regardless of the method of the betrayal,” Pool said.
Despite the weightiness of the work, Hope in the Havoc is surrounded by a tremendous support network, both professionally and spiritually.
“The betrayal trauma coaching community is very close knit,” Pool said. “I know if I’m walking through something difficult, I can reach out and people will pray for me, offer resources, and things like that.”
As part of the credentialing process, coaches must put in hours with a supervisory group, which offers built-in support for the job.
The Pools also receive support and encouragement from their church, Trinity Presbyterian Church in Cleveland, Tennessee.
“My church has been amazing. I have quite a few prayer warriors praying for me,” Pool said.
Her pastors and women’s ministry coordinator recommended her as a resource to Tennessee Valley Presbytery’s Christian Education Committee. She spoke at Tennessee Valley’s fall 2024 presbytery meeting to share about her work ministering to women.
Once so overcome by grief that she couldn’t form words correctly, Pool addressed a room of pastors and elders as a resource to help others in their healing. She herself is a living example of the transformative healing she now shares with others, and ultimately a testimony to the great Healer.
“I’m not the one that does the healing; that’s God’s job,” Pool said. “I know in this life, we will have trials and tribulations, but God can and does do that healing work in us.”
What advice do you have for those struggling with betrayal trauma?
Your pain is real and valid. I would highly recommend reaching out to a safe person to share that with. This type of pain does not heal in isolation. We need support. I tried for 10 years on my own to heal. It didn’t work. I’ve heard lots of other ladies share similar stories. Second of all, there’s hope that God can do that work of healing in you regardless of whether or not he saves your marriage. He can still heal you. You can still heal.