Photo by Karl Fredrickson on Unsplash.
In one of the most memorable passages in the New Testament, the Apostle Paul encourages the Roman church not to conform to the culture around them, but to be transformed in order to live out God’s will. Among the marks of the transformed church, we find this beautiful command: “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” (Rom. 12:15). The way the church supports those who are weeping must be distinct from the culture around it. How does your church support those in grief?
As a widower and single father of three young children, I have done my share of weeping. I am deeply grateful for those who joined me in those tears. Yet I often heard this comment: “I wanted to reach out, but I froze.” As I’ve talked with other widows and widowers, I hear a similar phrase: “No one knew what to do with me.” People want to be helpful, but they don’t know what to do; they don’t know what to say. Often, they choose to pull away.
Chances are, there are many in your church who are weeping from death, loss, and grief this year. Someone has likely lost a spouse or gone through a divorce. Some have struggled silently with infertility and miscarriage. Others have watched a parent die. How will you join the weeping in your church? Here are five simple ways your church can join the grieving in their pain and help them grieve with hope.
- Make eye contact. It is human nature to turn away from pain. In our culture of comfort, it is especially difficult to look at the suffering. When I lost my wife, I also lost eye contact from many of the people who knew us. It was just too painful for them to see my pain. Making eye contact with the grieving lets them know that you see them, and there is a place for them at your church.
- Sit with them in worship. We still live in a coupled society. The church is perhaps one of the most coupled places you can go. Single people can often feel isolated in social settings. I’ve heard this from widows in their 80s as well as young professionals. As a newly-single person living the majority of my life alone, I wanted the church to be a place to connect with people. Most Sundays, however, I sit and worship alone. When someone makes room or joins me in the pew, I feel a sigh of relief. It may seem like a small thing, but it goes a long way to helping us feel like we’re not alone. The same is true for someone grieving the loss of a parent, or a couple grieving the loss of a child—make it your mission to never let them sit alone in the months after a loss.
- Eat with them. The church is great at bringing meals to those in crises. A meal is such a tangible gift of love and care. I received dozens of meals in the months following my wife’s passing, and each one reminded me that someone cared. One way to make the gift go further is to ask if they’d like you to stay and eat with them. I suspect some people might prefer to be alone, but simply asking might be enough to make them feel supported. Every widow or widower is experiencing a new level of loneliness. Consider inviting them over for a meal at your house. Find people to invite them to lunch. Make sure the bereaved has at least one shared meal every week. It will be an immense blessing in the months that follow loss.
- Resist the need to offer advice. We love advice in the church. We hate to see people suffering and want to do something to relieve it. Often times, however, our advice comes across as condescending and dismissive to someone in grief. When a young widow tells you that her children have been sick, don’t recommend a vitamin or a treatment; simply listen to her pain. When a couple loses a child to miscarriage, don’t remind them of the ministry they could have to others. Learn the power of the phrase, “That sounds really hard.” Your ability to be present in their suffering might be the greatest gift you could offer. Listening may be a greater gift than speaking. What do you say when you don’t know what to say? Try saying this: “I don’t know what to say. I have no words. But I’m with you and I want you to know that you don’t have to go through this alone.”
- Pay attention to the calendar. Holidays are extremely difficult, especially the first year after a loss. I dreaded my first Father’s Day alone. I knew my young children surely weren’t going to make me breakfast in bed. My heart leaped when a friend brought over donuts and a card. On the anniversary of my wife’s death, friends went to the cemetery with me and even attended my daughter’s kindergarten graduation. I’m convinced that I could not have made it through the day alone. Holidays and anniversaries are times for greater support. Put it in your calendar and send a card or call the grieving. Even better, include them in your holiday plans. Make room at your table the way Christ has done for you. Don’t assume that family will come to the aid of the grieving. Think of the widows and widowers in your church, think of those grieving loss, even those who have gone through a divorce this year and ask yourself this question: do I know for sure that they won’t be alone on Thanksgiving or Christmas? Reach out and ask.
When considering how to weep with those who weep, the most important word in that phrase is “with.” We must spend our time with people who are grieving.
But why? Why would you go out of your way and move against the grain of human nature? Why would you move toward pain and grief and tears?
Because our God is Immanuel, God with us. He has moved toward you in your sin and sorrow, and when you offer your presence to others, you proclaim something better than what the world has to offer. You remind them of a God that will someday wipe away all tears.
These are five simple ways you can care for the grieving with very little cost. Do you know what they all have in common? They are all ways that Christ has commanded us to love. Perhaps the best thing you can do to love those who are grieving is to ask two questions: How would I want to be treated if I lost a spouse, child, or parent? And, How would I want my family to be treated if I passed away?
Honestly answer those questions, and go and do likewise.
Rev. Joshua Burdette is a pastoral counselor and coach at Good Shepherd Soul Care. He lives with his three children in Tulsa, Oklahoma.