When a child comes out as gay or identifies as transgender, a family’s life takes a heartrending turn. Parents and child find themselves on an unexpected path, struggling to make sense of new feelings; steering their way through a relationship that’s been forever changed.
To help, Harvest USA has released “Shattered Dreams, New Hope,” a workbook designed for parents who hold to a biblical ethic on sexuality or gender but have a child who adopts an LGBTQ identity. Chris Torchia, the curriculum author, calls it “first aid for Christian parents of an LGBT child.” It’s not a comprehensive guide, but it provides guidance on the first steps of letting people in to this new reality and navigating the relationship with the child.
Harvest USA offers the curriculum free of charge. In its first three months it was downloaded more than 500 times.
“Shattered Dreams, New Hope” doesn’t help parents convert their children to heterosexuality or give parents strategies for debate; rather, it helps parents process their feelings and deal with these new relationships. The workbook can be used in a small-group setting or for individual study.
“Are you really trusting God and the way he’s writing your child’s story, even if it’s not the way [you] would want to write it?” – Chris Torchia
According to Torchia, parents who learn their child identifies as gay or trans are often hit with waves of shock and grief — shock that their child has had feelings of desire they have never brought up to the parents, and grief that the child has been carrying this burden alone. Parents also grieve the loss of the life they had dreamed for their child.
Parents want to hold to the truth of God’s word without rejecting their child or communicating wholesale acceptance. “It’s messy, and [parents] need help,” Torchia said.
As a mother whose son has been living a gay lifestyle for 16 years, Joan McConnell knows the questions parents ask: How did this happen? Did I cause it? Can I change it?
McConnell, director of women’s ministry at Westminster Presbyterian Church in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, leads two parent support groups. She uses “Shattered Dreams, New Hope” with both groups. While some families are in the critical first steps of the journey, others, like her, have been dealing with these issues for years and need continued support as new challenges emerge.
“We need to keep our eyes on ourselves and see what the Lord wants to teach us,” she said. “It’s not just patience with my kid, but how do I hand this over to the Lord on a daily basis, ask for grace to rely on the working of the Spirit in my child’s life, and accept God’s timetable? What’s going on in my heart?”
The individual lessons that Torchia has written for parent support groups became the basis for the 10-chapter workbook. The curriculum is divided into three sections: Discovering Your Child, Caring for Your Heart, and Moving Toward Your Child. McConnell advised Torchia on the doctrinal elements of the curriculum.
Undergirding all of Harvest USA’s teaching is its Tree Model of human behavior. Individual choices are the tree’s fruit, but those choices come from a seed that is a redeemed or unredeemed heart, root desires that feed the heart, and a trunk that is one’s worldview. The soil into which the roots reach are external circumstances.
“Parents have to look at their own behavior and what is fueling it,” Torchia said. “Are you motivated by desire to change your child? Do you want to control what happens in their life? Are you really trusting God and the way he’s writing your child’s story, even if it’s not the way [you] would want to write it?”
The model helps parents understand their child’s circumstances and decision. And while it helps parents with practical considerations, the curriculum starts by helping them make sense of their own responses and submitting those responses to God.
Harvest USA’s primary ministry is to men and women struggling with sexual sin, but their secondary ministry is producing resources like this book to help the church apply the gospel to sexual issues. Torchia has run parent support groups for five years, and now also holds online support groups for parents who live outside of Pennsylvania, where Harvest USA is based. McConnell has led support groups since 2013, but recently her groups have grown through referrals from other churches.
Though parents might find their lives turned upside down by their child’s life choice, Torchia notes that the decision does not surprise God. And He is pursuing them even through the heartache. “Shattered Dreams, New Hope” presents this critical juncture in the life of a family as not simply an opportunity to grow in relationship with a child — it’s an opportunity to draw close to the Lord.
“God in his hard providence has allowed this to be in your child’s life,” Torchia said. “You don’t realize how much God is pursuing you through this.”
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