I have had the honor of leading many couples through premarital counseling that culminated in marriage. I love sharing their joy and excitement as they get married and settle into a new life together, but sooner or later they find that a successful marriage does not just snap into place after the honeymoon.
The first few years of marriage are a time of adjustment and discovery as two people get to know each other on an everyday basis and learn each other’s strengths and foibles. In my counseling work with young married couples, here are four recommendations I have offered.
1. Discuss and discover your expectations.
If we are honest, most of our lives are lived in the mundane, and newly marrieds will quickly begin to identify and adjust to each other’s everyday habits and patterns. In some areas, such as musical tastes and eating habits, there may be natural compatibility. Others, such as morning and evening routines or chores, may require minor adjustments, but can be discussed and agreed upon.
However, there are usually a few behaviors that in your mind are automatic. You assume particular tasks, like meal planning or home maintenance, will be done a certain way. Often, these habits and behaviors are not conscious choices but instead are unconscious expectations.
Some are role-based: you expect the other spouse to cook or clean or pay the bills, but don’t really discuss it. Others are interpersonal: you expect your spouse to know when you are under stress, immediately empathize, and ask how they can support you. Your spouse, however, may not agree with your assumption or even be aware of it.
Though these issues are not related to scriptural commands, they are important to the spouse and are the most likely to provoke conflict. Someone once said, “An expectation is a premeditated resentment.” Unless you learn to communicate expectations and disappointment, they will lead to anger.
As Paul Tripp has said at many of his seminars, “We get angry and upset not because God’s laws are violated but our laws [expectations] have been.” We must be vigilant to acknowledge our selfish bent to want to do things our way and learn to negotiate and defer to each other (Philippians 2:4).
2. Consider the marital operating system you inherited from your parents.
Most Christian couples that I have worked with have lived with their parents for 70% of their lives. The impact of one’s upbringing on couples moving into marriage cannot be overestimated. Whether or not you realize it, your expectations about who does what in a marriage come from what you observed in your parents’ marriage. You have default behaviors and responses based on the operating system you observed throughout childhood.
Let’s look at a hypothetical couple: I’ll call them Bill and Jill. Bill comes home from work and his wife, Jill, is looking forward to seeing him since she has been with her young children all day. After a quick hello, Bill heads for the sofa with his phone and checks out. Jill, feeling ignored, starts to stew and finishes making dinner. During dinner, Jill asks several questions about his day and eventually, after getting one-word answers, her hurt intensifies.
After supper, Jill puts the kids to bed and returns to the den to find Bill on the sofa with phone in hand. She says curtly, “Will you put that phone away, you’d think that you were married to it.” Bill is startled and says, “What’s your problem?” Jill says, “You know, Bill, when you come home, you never pay any attention to me or ask me about my day. All you can think about is yourself. I cook meals, take care of the kids, and that’s all you think I’m good for.” Bill is taken back and says, “You’re such a whiner and you’re always jumping on my back about everything. I provide well for this family, and all you do is criticize me. I’m never enough for you.”
Two people are in distress, but rather than talking about their respective hurts, they are getting defensive, attacking, and blaming each other, which leads to isolation rather than connection.
We must return to the Garden of Eden and reflect on the fallout and realities of the Genesis 3 world. Adam and Eve’s story began with perfect relational fellowship, peace, love, harmony, and acceptance with God and each other. Then came Genesis 3. Shalom was lost. Genesis 3:24 concludes with God driving them out of the garden, which brought fear, pain, separation, and rejection. This led to self-protection and self-preservation in a fallen and dangerous world.
We – including every married couple, past, present, and future – have inherited self-protective behaviors in our DNA that impact all our relationships. Vows will be taken that include loving as Christ loved the church, forsaking all others, and loving amidst sickness and health. What we are called to runs contrary to our natural bent. We can’t be vulnerable and other-centered while living in self-protection.
As I work with couples like Bill and Jill, I suggest that they both examine how their parents managed the household when they were children. Bill might realize that he is doing the exact same thing his dad did (but with a phone instead of a newspaper). Jill might recall that her mom had a part-time job, and her dad did the cooking several days each week. Bill and Jill can then identify the assumptions and expectations they may be drawing from their upbringing and make conscious choices about whether to continue, modify, or stop these routines.
The goal is to become aware of and understand our self-protective strategies and implicit (or unconscious) patterns that took place in our growing-up years. The change begins with making our unconscious patterns conscious so we can change them. Where do they come from? Consider these questions:
- How did your parents handle stress and conflict?
- How did they express and manage their emotions, and how did they respond when you expressed emotion?
- Do you recall a parent comforting you when you were in distress?
- Did your parents ask you to talk about what was happening in your internal world?
The purpose of this exercise is not to blame your parents or question their love, but rather to describe how it impacted you. I recommend Milan and Kay Yerkovich’s book “How We Love” for greater detail on this critical topic.
3. Resolve everyday conflicts quickly.
Les and Leslie Parrott, in the accompanying workbook to their book, “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts,” describe an exercise called Sharing Withholds. With this exercise, each spouse takes turns sharing two things from the last 48 hours that they appreciated about each other, but they did not share, and one thing that they did not like over the last 48 hours but did not share. The authors suggest sandwiching the negative between the two positives.
Sharing in this manner reinforces the need for words of affirmation amidst critiques. Parrot and Parrot suggest two rules: First, the listener can only respond with, “Thank you;” and second, couples wait 30 minutes before discussing the negatives they withheld. This short waiting period helps couples be rational and thoughtful rather than being reactive and defensive.
The apostle Paul reminds us that we should not let the sun go down on our anger (Ephesians 4:26). Anger in marriage originates from a sense of injustice. Your spouse did something to wrong you or failed to do something they should have done. Sometimes the injustice is real, and other times it is merely the perception of a wrong. Either way, it stirs up anger.
If you do not communicate with your spouse about the alleged injustice, the intensity of your anger may subside but the underlying issue remains unresolved. Set a healthy pattern early in your marriage of communicating your frustrations with your spouse. You may not come to a full agreement on the facts of the situation, but learning to communicate about these issues will greatly benefit your soul and your marriage.
4. Continue to date each other regularly.
In their premarital days, couples are eager to make time and space for each other and schedule a variety of activities together. In their book “Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts” Parrott and Parrott note that once couples marry, dating tends to diminish.
There is no formula for dating, but Scripture gives us wonderful principles that usher us in the right direction. In Matthew 22:39, Jesus commands us to love our neighbors as ourselves. How do we do that?
Start by doing things together that you both enjoy – movies, concerts, museums, hikes – as well as events that challenge you intellectually and spiritually such as a motivational speaker or a lecture.
At the relational level, a good habit is to have regular check-in times during the week. Ask integrated questions that treat one another as a whole person. Instead of asking, “How was your day?” which often invites the response, “Fine,” consider asking, “How did you feel about your day?” Also, consider asking open-ended questions that do not elicit “yes” or “no” answers, questions that begin with “where,” “how,” “who,” or “what.”
Finally, spend time with and cultivate relationships with other couples who are further down the road. Strive to be humble and continue to be a learner.
The above recommendations highlight the need for regular communication. We are physical, cognitive, and emotional beings made in the image of God and built for relationship. Self-awareness and relying on God’s grace and kindness will help us to love our spouses as the Greatest Commandment instructs us to, and motivate us to make the necessary adjustments that will lead to a happy marriage.
Greg Becker serves as the director of congregational care and counseling at Covenant Presbyterian Church in Harrisonburg, Virginia. He is a licensed counselor and ruling elder.