ByFaith: You conducted research and wrote an extensive study on the stress and satisfaction levels among PCA church planter spouses. Please share with us your most surprising findings.

Thomas: Since research had not been conducted on spouses of church planters, I decided to do ethnographic or qualitative research rather than quantitative. In this approach the purpose is to identify the issues.

I was most surprised by the confusion women felt regarding their calling—so much so that I was unable to get a statistical reading on it and realized I had uncovered a major topic that needed addressing. We have a section in our toolkit on calling which is coming out this summer. It addresses some of the confusion on calling. (Visit www.parakaleo.us)

Boundary ambiguity was another interesting discovery. This term refers to the amount of ambiguity in how much she carries emotionally, in her role, and in reference to physical space—neither of which has clearly defined boundaries when a couple is planting a church. This high level of ambiguity is one of six leading causes of stress for women in church planting. If her spouse does not understand the impact of church planting on her and the family, and together they do not make the necessary adjustments, then the marriage rates as her number one cause of stress. However, if couples share a mutual calling to church planting, place a high value on their marriage, and recognize the need for a support system, then those couples report that seeing lives transformed and communities of faith being built are incredibly satisfying.

As I expected, wives of church planters are very involved in the plant. Church planters’ wives are starting and leading, on average, 2.5 major ministries in their churches.

ByFaith: What recommendations did you make?

Thomas: I recommended three steps: 1) offer a support structure for wives, 2) develop a competency tool for our assessment center, and 3) develop training for wives and for couples.

ByFaith: How does Parakaleo address these needs? How does it make life better for the women you serve, their husbands, their churches, the wider Church?

Thomas: In the three years since Parakaleo started, we have done quite a bit of work with the assessment process and developing a tool that identifies competencies needed for the spouse. Most of these do not have to do with gifting but with relational maturity and an understanding of her identity and how the gospel addresses identity. With competencies now identified, we have begun developing training geared in this direction. We are still in the very early stages of putting together our training. Some occurs at conferences, but we feel the best is done on-site in local groups.

We now have several women leading regional networks around the country for church-planting wives. Women report that these groups have been addressing issues common to church planting, plus they offer care and support. This greatly decreases the ambiguity of church planting, the feeling of isolation, and the feeling that the husband is the only person whom they can talk to about these topics. It’s difficult for others to understand the life of a church planter—much less the intensity of that lifestyle for his spouse.

We offer coaching as she navigates important decisions and choices that will affect her and the church. For both husband and wife and also for the church, we feel this is bringing a more scriptural view of church planting – recognition that both men and women are laboring for the kingdom.

ByFaith: In the time you’ve been doing this, what’s been most rewarding for you? Most challenging?

Thomas: Most rewarding: There is so much! Personally, it’s getting to know so many church-planting couples, their unique stories, and how their past is being redeemed and now bringing hope to a hurting world. It makes me long for heaven. There are so many relationships I can’t wait to continue when I get there.

Also, there is nothing like seeing the excitement of a woman finding her unique place in ministry which fits her specifically. It’s encouraging to see a person freed from the typical expectations and stereotypes of ministry. When this happens, it frees her to more effectively cooperate with God in how He wants to use her and her story, enabling her to help others do the same. I think this can have a ripple effect through our churches.

We also have begun to see isolated church-planting couples receive support and encouragement while finding connections with others. There are still isolated couples, but—when we first began—many women who were planting in a city didn’t even know the names of others in their city and denomination doing the same kind of work!

The biggest challenge is that we aren’t developing material or training fast enough. This is not about passing on information about “how to do it right.” Instead, it’s more about living our lives in light of the gospel, so it takes time to get into each others’ hearts and develop trust and open up with one another.

We have more requests to develop networks than we have the resources, monetarily and humanly speaking. The topics we are dealing with are dicey, and very little has been written or done to address the unique needs of families in church planting. There is much good teaching on the gospel, but to come alongside another person who is in a spiritual war zone, help her apply the gospel practically, and fight on her behalf—that’s something most of us long for but don’t get. So we are really excited to be doing this for church-planting couples.

ByFaith: What’s your advice to people involved in planting a church? What do they need to know about the planter’s family life—specifically, about his wife’s life?

Thomas: Establishing deeper relationships is a valid desire when we join a plant, but we need to remember that the purpose of church planting is to engage a needy world with Christ. If you are outwardly focused and working toward a common goal with others, then meaningful relationships can occur. But if you are serving with an inordinate desire to be needed or recognized, then you are setting up yourself and the rest of the team for heartache.

Watch that you aren’t putting “friendship” as an expectation on the wife. Be open to it, but remember that she’s in the busiest season of her life. She is called to serve just like others on the team, not more, not less. In other words, don’t place expectations on her for how you want her to serve.

Be aware that the couple planting is human, and they have limitations. You will probably be surprised by some of these limitations. Will you still accept this couple and honor this man as your pastor?

This point applies more to plants in urban areas: the church will draw very needy and obviously broken people. And the pastor’s home can often feel like a half-way house until a church office is set up.

The plant needs the involvement of strong, committed leaders. The best way to help is to find where you are being called by God to contribute. If you have a concern or complaint, go directly to the person involved, not to the planter’s wife.

Don’t be surprised to discover that the church-planting couple’s children are much like other children. In other words, expect them to sin. They will.

Finally, when the honeymoon is over and you are disappointed with the plant (which happens to almost everyone at some point), stick with your commitment to make this your community. Once you get through this stage and you begin to honestly engage with one another, true community then becomes a possibility.