Suffering Is A Family Matter

As Christians, we get to know God as Lord, King, Provider—and Father.  Perhaps it is Father that is the most surprising; no other religion places its adherents in relation to the Divine so intimately. With God as Father, and not merely as Judge or Creator, we find comfort, confidence, and assurance that salvation is real.

God as our Father is also instructive: As soon as we know Him as Father, we must also relate to His other children as brothers and sisters. It is the language of family that Christ uses to describe how believers join together to become the Church, and how we assemble into His body.

Everyone has a place. There are no small Christians or big Christians. There is no “us” and “them” in the Church – only “us.”  And we are all fighting the effects of the Fall together.  Those who do not struggle intensely are not greater Christians.  And those who do not struggle are not lesser.

No one is spared:  We are sinners, and we have all been sinned against.  What’s more, we are touched by the Fall in ways that aren’t the direct product of sin – disease, emotional distress, physical pain, death.  We cannot avoid how the fall of humanity affects us.

But Scripture describes a particular way to relate when some of us are suffering. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). When we love in this way, we find completion in our growth in knowing Christ.  Dr. Diane Langberg, adjunct professor of practical theology at Westminster Theological Seminary and a practicing psychologist, says, "an entrance into the suffering of others is an entrance into the heart of God, because we never encounter either a sin or a sorrow that He has not borne.  I have learned a great deal about His heart, His cross, and His life through the suffering of others."

How? By being honest about the reality of pain, and through our willingness to deal with the complexity of it.

Missing Deeper Relationships

Sin is ugly.  Most would rather deny or ignore it than acknowledge and deal with it. Life would be easier if there weren’t so many sinners around us – and if those sinners were not affected by the sin of others. We often assume that suffering is the by-product of a lack of repentance or faith, ignoring the complexity of our fallen condition.  "A great deal of suffering is not due to personal sin," says Langberg.  “Clearly some is, but there is a lot of suffering that has nothing to do with personal sin.”

But whether or not pain is a direct result of one’s own sin, facing it can be difficult.  A friend of mine (Ann Louise) has a sister who overdosed on drugs a few years ago. Though she was close to her sister, my friend suddenly stopped talking to her.  She hoped that by saying nothing the problem would simply go away.  This is a common reaction – and that’s because life together isn’t easy.

We wish that others were more like us –  she wishes he were more emotional, he wishes she were more rational. We frequently miscommunicate and must continually clarify.  But to ignore the struggle is to miss the struggle – to fail to clarify, to be complacent with miscommunication – means we miss out on deeper relationships.  In the face of pain, we find ourselves instead as Job's comforters, and his response is for us: “How then will you comfort me with empty nothings? There is nothing left of your answers but falsehood” (Job 21:34). To have healthy relationships with other believers is to acknowledge that they have been defiled by a fallen world. We cannot truly love them unless we do.

This requires trust that God is good in spite of the pain; it means we must trust that He cares about the suffering of His children, but that kind of trust is sometimes hard to muster. 

Manifesting His Goodness

Often, the only way for a sufferer to learn that God is good is to encounter the patient, incarnational love of a fellow believer.  Perhaps abuse by her father wrongly teaches a young woman what a relationship with her heavenly Father must be like.  Maybe a lifelong struggle causes a man to believe that God offers relief to everyone but him.  Strugglers need healthy, caring relationships, the kind that give feet and hands to the love of Christ. The day that the gospel finally become real to me (Ann Louise) would not have been possible if others hadn't been able to love me. It would not have made sense if it hadn't been for a handful of Christians who showed me firsthand the unconditional love of Jesus.

“The work of listening, understanding, and loving [those in pain] is the beginning of how they learn that He is good to them, because they need to see love in the flesh first,” reflects Langberg. “That’s partly why God came in the flesh, because we don’t get it. Part of what He has called me to do is to manifest His goodness in the flesh so that others can begin to believe that He is good to them."

An honest relationship involves accepting and listening to the other, and this is no less true with one who is struggling. A never-married mother with a needy child, for example, may be embarrassed and ashamed. It appears that other moms have it together, and she may already expect to be scorned in the church because, she believes, others will judge her sin. She longs to be accepted in her need and struggle as a single mom.

How can we communicate acceptance to her?  By the straightforward acknowledgment that it's hard to be a single parent, by letting her know that we know things are tough. And then we listen. There may be a way to serve her immediately, but listening demonstrates that we accept her in her struggles.

At first it won't seem like enough—we want to give the wisdom or guidance we believe they need to fix things. "We’re much more comfortable thinking it is about bad behavior and bad choices, and if you could just tell somebody the right thing to do then they’ll be all better!" says Langberg. "But after 35 years of being let down into the heart of human beings and seeing our capacity for evil and deception, there is no way that I think I can fix it."

Thankfully, we don't have to.  We cannot save, but we can point to the Savior.  We are not ourselves healers, but caregivers, applying salve to the wounds that only Christ can ultimately heal.

It can take a long time, and only a longsuffering brother or sister can bear the burdens.  Sometimes the healing never comes.  "It is so true that God is redeeming all things, and even suffering has its purpose,” says Rob, who suffers from cerebral palsy.  “But it is equally true that suffering points out the fact that things are not as they should be, that this is not the way creation was meant to be.  And it is OK to hate that, to mourn it, and to cry out along with creation in anguish at this present time between the ages.  The challenge, really, is to be willing to live in this tension, in the 'not yet,' while still holding on tightly to my trust in God's providence."

We may find that the only thing we have to offer one another is our mutual longing for glory. But joining our voices together, echoing John's cry of "Amen. Come, Lord Jesus" (Revelation 22:20), can itself soothe the pain, for at least they don't wail alone.

The fellowship that we share with our congregation should be our delight; the sweetness that can come of relationships with our brothers and sisters in Christ reflects the intimacy that we share with Christ Himself.  But true love involves both laughter and tears. And if our relationships don’t include both, then our fellowship is incomplete.

It is in the intimacy of the struggle that we can know we are loved.

Ann Louise and Ed Eubanks, Jr., a brother and sister team, are both graduates of Covenant Theological Seminary and both live in St. Louis, Mo.  Both are also bloggers: Read Ann Louise’s blog at www.vulnerablechurch.blogspot.com, and Ed’s at www.placementreflections.blogspot.com.

Four Practical Ways of Loving

1. Be present.  The biggest step is to simply enter in. 

2. Listen and accept. Ironically, it can be the very words of Scripture, spoken in poor timing, that can hurt the most. Be slow to speak, even in quoting Scripture. Instead, simply listen with a willingness to hear their suffering. As you do it, you'll get better at knowing what to share when.

3. Encourage others honestly. It is painful to suffer, and God's Word tells us that it is okay to feel pain.  God did not rebuke Job, Jeremiah, or Jesus as they cried out to Him in their honest pain. Encourage your brother or sister to cry out to God as they are. Satan, the accuser, will try to convince us that we are all alone, that no one, especially the Father, cares. Giving biblical "permission" to hurt can answer these accusations.

4. Help them. Do you have any friends who are weary in their suffering? Jump in and clean their kitchen floor or do a load of laundry. Things need to be done, but they may not ask you for specific help. Whether it is housework, a trip to the grocery store, or help sorting through bills, there are hands-on ways to help with the life that continues on while they suffer, often paralyzed in the practice of living life.