Prayer: A Fresh Understanding of Sub-Mission
Several years ago off the coast of South Carolina, sunbathers looked out past the shore and saw something strange about a quarter of a mile out—something that did not look exactly like normal marine life. After scrutinizing through binoculars, one man said he thought he saw a couple of dogs. Curiosity grew, so a concerned group launched a fishing boat and trolled through the waves to determine what this bizarre sighting actually was. The boat approached the splashing and, sure enough, there were two dogs swimming out in the middle of the ocean. Both dogs were Labradors—one black and the other yellow.
As the boat neared the canines, something amazing was revealed. The dogs were clearly exhausted, and as the yellow Labrador would tire and sink below the surface, the black Lab immediately went under the water and swam beneath its tired companion to lift it up to get air. This happened several times before the boat was able to reach the dogs for rescue. The weary pair was heaved up on deck and cared for. After tracing the information on the collars, the rescuers returned the Labs, safe and sound, to their owners who had lost them to a current five miles away.
I love this story because it is a beautiful picture of true submission. Marital submission, to which the culture assigns such negative connotations, is actually a glorious activity. Literally understood, the word submission breaks down into two parts. The prefix, sub, means “under” and speaks of support; the root, mission, implies purpose and goal. One who is truly submissive is one who goes under to support the mission—like the black Lab in this story.
Understood from this perspective, the command given to wives to be submissive to their husbands in Ephesians 5 is meant to be viewed with great glory. As I reflect on my own marriage, I can identify many times when my wife has “buoyed me up” and kept me focused on our personal mission and calling.
As the boat neared the canines, something amazing was revealed. The dogs were clearly exhausted, and as the yellow Labrador would tire and sink below the surface, the black Lab immediately went under the water and swam beneath its tired companion to lift it up to get air. This happened several times before the boat was able to reach the dogs for rescue. The weary pair was heaved up on deck and cared for. After tracing the information on the collars, the rescuers returned the Labs, safe and sound, to their owners who had lost them to a current five miles away.
I love this story because it is a beautiful picture of true submission. Marital submission, to which the culture assigns such negative connotations, is actually a glorious activity. Literally understood, the word submission breaks down into two parts. The prefix, sub, means “under” and speaks of support; the root, mission, implies purpose and goal. One who is truly submissive is one who goes under to support the mission—like the black Lab in this story.
Understood from this perspective, the command given to wives to be submissive to their husbands in Ephesians 5 is meant to be viewed with great glory. As I reflect on my own marriage, I can identify many times when my wife has “buoyed me up” and kept me focused on our personal mission and calling.
The Hard Work of Sacrifice
Even if we understand the concept of submission from a biblical perspective, it is still a monumental calling for wives to uphold. After all, it is one thing for us as believers to submit to a perfect Lord. It’s another thing for wives to submit to their husbands, who are sinful, selfish, and less than perfect.
Therefore, how can wives be encouraged in a role of submission that will bring glory to them, to their marriages, and ultimately to God? I have come to believe that just as wives are called to the hard task of submission, we as men are called to the hard task of sacrifice. The sacrifice husbands make should reflect Christ’s sacrifice to His Bride (Ephesians 5:23).
I would like to propose that one of the most basic ways a husband can sacrifice for his wife is through intercessory prayer. This is what Christ is doing for us even now at the right hand of the Father. We are taught that Christ’s intercession on our behalf is sacrificial, perpetual, and effective (Romans 8:34), which is what a husband’s prayers should look like for his wife.
In his book, Disciplines of a Godly Man, author Kent Hughes writes with sobering clarity:
"When He [Jesus] finished praying for His future bride, He went to the cross. Then came His death, His resurrection, His ascension, and His enthronement at the right hand of the Father, where He constantly makes intercession for us. Thus we understand that giving of ourselves for our brides involves prayerful intercession. Men, do you pray for your wives with something more than, 'Bless good old Margaret in all she does'? If not, you are sinning against her and against God. Most Christian men who claim to love their wives never offer more than a perfunctory nod to their wives’ needs before God …. Praying is the marital work of a Christian husband."
Sacrificing is not easy—it is work. And prayer is work. Oswald Chambers once said, “We don’t pray for the work; prayer is the work.” Because Jesus loves us, His sacrifices for us are evidenced by His continual intercession on our behalf. And because a husband loves his wife, it should naturally follow that he sacrifice for her with Christ-like intercession.
Many Christian men, however, have no idea how to pray for their wives. Unfortunately, when men don’t know how to do something, chances are they will not do it at all. It was because of this (not to mention my own ignorance) that I set out to understand how I could effectively pray for my wife. By using Proverbs 31 as a guide, I studied this passage and divided it into a 31-day prayer calendar. The resulting effects have been both tangible and intangible. What began as a personal study for my own prayer life resulted in a published devotional book, How to Pray for Your Wife: A 31-Day Guide (Crossway Publishers). But this was only the beginning. I have come to appreciate C.S. Lewis’ statement that prayer does not change God; it changes us.
Having prayed for my wife over the course of our nearly 10-year marriage, I have been amazed at how the Lord has answered my prayers and how he has transformed not just me, but my wife, and our marriage in the process.
To summarize, I have seen three things happen:
1. Sanctification: A few weeks ago during breakfast, I was talking to my wife, Tara. After I finished expressing some personal perplexity, Tara opened her mouth and wisdom poured forth. It was simple, profound, and right on target. I remember sitting there staring at my coffee cup, letting her wisdom sink into me. At the same time I was thanking the Lord for the insight He had given her. Proverbs 31:26 reads, “She speaks with wisdom, and the law of grace is on her tongue.” This is one of the characteristics of an excellent woman, and it was what I had been praying for her. This is just one example of times that I have seen the Spirit at work transforming my wife more and more into His image, which is what sanctification is all about. Praying for my wife that God would do the work of sanctification admits that it is God, not I, who can and will transform her. Transformation is His work. True, God uses husbands in their wives’ sanctification, but the work is ultimately His.
2. Intimacy: A week after I had given a copy of my book to a man in my church, he called to say, “Mark, I can’t thank you enough for your book. I haven’t started reading it yet, but just by putting it with my Bible where my wife has seen it has improved my marriage!” All joking aside, the more a husband comes to understand his wife’s needs and responds to those needs, the more she will feel cared for and loved. The more love a wife feels, the more respect and honor she will show to her husband. The byproduct is greater unity and intimacy. And this should come as no surprise. In His high priestly prayer, Jesus prays for unity and intimacy between Himself and us, His Bride (John 17: 20-26).
3. Glory: When the apostle Paul talks about the mystery of marriage in Ephesians 5, there is some apparent confusion as to what he is talking about. He begins with husbands and wives but then writes, “this is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church” (5:32). To Paul, the two unions were synonymous. Just as the Church submits to Christ, so also a wife should submit to her husband. And just as Christ sacrifices for His Bride, so also a husband should sacrifice for his wife. In essence, the design of marriage should be a miniature example of ecclesiology, the study of the church. Put more poetically, when the world sees a husband tenderly care for, love, and sacrifice for his wife, and a wife submit to, honor, and respect her husband, the gospel is glorified. So, too, when a group of believers that represents a local church loves one another and submits to Christ’s leadership, the world beholds a heavenly institution. One of the surprise results of praying for my wife was not only a greater love for her, but a greater and purer love for the church.
Returning to the story of the two Labs, the submissive dog received the glory, for it continued to uphold the other for the sake of life. In a similar way, wives do this for their husbands in that they come under them, support them, and point them to the Father. But as I think about the lesson learned from these swimming dogs, I see that the analogy can work both ways. When husbands intercede for their wives, they come beneath them to lift up their beloved brides to the Father that life may be found. Marriage is a team event, and when done according to God’s design, it attracts on-lookers and points them to the glorious gospel.
Mark A. Weathers currently serves as pastor of Providence Presbyterian Church in Concord, N.C. He and his wife, Tara, have three sons.
For more information about How to Pray for Your Wife: A 31-Day Guide, visit:
http://www.gnpcb.org/product/1581347863
Even if we understand the concept of submission from a biblical perspective, it is still a monumental calling for wives to uphold. After all, it is one thing for us as believers to submit to a perfect Lord. It’s another thing for wives to submit to their husbands, who are sinful, selfish, and less than perfect.
Therefore, how can wives be encouraged in a role of submission that will bring glory to them, to their marriages, and ultimately to God? I have come to believe that just as wives are called to the hard task of submission, we as men are called to the hard task of sacrifice. The sacrifice husbands make should reflect Christ’s sacrifice to His Bride (Ephesians 5:23).
I would like to propose that one of the most basic ways a husband can sacrifice for his wife is through intercessory prayer. This is what Christ is doing for us even now at the right hand of the Father. We are taught that Christ’s intercession on our behalf is sacrificial, perpetual, and effective (Romans 8:34), which is what a husband’s prayers should look like for his wife.
In his book, Disciplines of a Godly Man, author Kent Hughes writes with sobering clarity:
"When He [Jesus] finished praying for His future bride, He went to the cross. Then came His death, His resurrection, His ascension, and His enthronement at the right hand of the Father, where He constantly makes intercession for us. Thus we understand that giving of ourselves for our brides involves prayerful intercession. Men, do you pray for your wives with something more than, 'Bless good old Margaret in all she does'? If not, you are sinning against her and against God. Most Christian men who claim to love their wives never offer more than a perfunctory nod to their wives’ needs before God …. Praying is the marital work of a Christian husband."
Sacrificing is not easy—it is work. And prayer is work. Oswald Chambers once said, “We don’t pray for the work; prayer is the work.” Because Jesus loves us, His sacrifices for us are evidenced by His continual intercession on our behalf. And because a husband loves his wife, it should naturally follow that he sacrifice for her with Christ-like intercession.
Many Christian men, however, have no idea how to pray for their wives. Unfortunately, when men don’t know how to do something, chances are they will not do it at all. It was because of this (not to mention my own ignorance) that I set out to understand how I could effectively pray for my wife. By using Proverbs 31 as a guide, I studied this passage and divided it into a 31-day prayer calendar. The resulting effects have been both tangible and intangible. What began as a personal study for my own prayer life resulted in a published devotional book, How to Pray for Your Wife: A 31-Day Guide (Crossway Publishers). But this was only the beginning. I have come to appreciate C.S. Lewis’ statement that prayer does not change God; it changes us.
Having prayed for my wife over the course of our nearly 10-year marriage, I have been amazed at how the Lord has answered my prayers and how he has transformed not just me, but my wife, and our marriage in the process.
To summarize, I have seen three things happen:
1. Sanctification: A few weeks ago during breakfast, I was talking to my wife, Tara. After I finished expressing some personal perplexity, Tara opened her mouth and wisdom poured forth. It was simple, profound, and right on target. I remember sitting there staring at my coffee cup, letting her wisdom sink into me. At the same time I was thanking the Lord for the insight He had given her. Proverbs 31:26 reads, “She speaks with wisdom, and the law of grace is on her tongue.” This is one of the characteristics of an excellent woman, and it was what I had been praying for her. This is just one example of times that I have seen the Spirit at work transforming my wife more and more into His image, which is what sanctification is all about. Praying for my wife that God would do the work of sanctification admits that it is God, not I, who can and will transform her. Transformation is His work. True, God uses husbands in their wives’ sanctification, but the work is ultimately His.
2. Intimacy: A week after I had given a copy of my book to a man in my church, he called to say, “Mark, I can’t thank you enough for your book. I haven’t started reading it yet, but just by putting it with my Bible where my wife has seen it has improved my marriage!” All joking aside, the more a husband comes to understand his wife’s needs and responds to those needs, the more she will feel cared for and loved. The more love a wife feels, the more respect and honor she will show to her husband. The byproduct is greater unity and intimacy. And this should come as no surprise. In His high priestly prayer, Jesus prays for unity and intimacy between Himself and us, His Bride (John 17: 20-26).
3. Glory: When the apostle Paul talks about the mystery of marriage in Ephesians 5, there is some apparent confusion as to what he is talking about. He begins with husbands and wives but then writes, “this is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church” (5:32). To Paul, the two unions were synonymous. Just as the Church submits to Christ, so also a wife should submit to her husband. And just as Christ sacrifices for His Bride, so also a husband should sacrifice for his wife. In essence, the design of marriage should be a miniature example of ecclesiology, the study of the church. Put more poetically, when the world sees a husband tenderly care for, love, and sacrifice for his wife, and a wife submit to, honor, and respect her husband, the gospel is glorified. So, too, when a group of believers that represents a local church loves one another and submits to Christ’s leadership, the world beholds a heavenly institution. One of the surprise results of praying for my wife was not only a greater love for her, but a greater and purer love for the church.
Returning to the story of the two Labs, the submissive dog received the glory, for it continued to uphold the other for the sake of life. In a similar way, wives do this for their husbands in that they come under them, support them, and point them to the Father. But as I think about the lesson learned from these swimming dogs, I see that the analogy can work both ways. When husbands intercede for their wives, they come beneath them to lift up their beloved brides to the Father that life may be found. Marriage is a team event, and when done according to God’s design, it attracts on-lookers and points them to the glorious gospel.
Mark A. Weathers currently serves as pastor of Providence Presbyterian Church in Concord, N.C. He and his wife, Tara, have three sons.
For more information about How to Pray for Your Wife: A 31-Day Guide, visit:
http://www.gnpcb.org/product/1581347863
Comments
Stacey M. Cox
Hillsborough, NC
I count Mark a great friend and brother in the Lord. What he teaches in this book, he practices. If you haven't already, do yourself a favor and purchase "How to Pray for Your Wife"!
Steve King
Jeffersonville, IN
This was a good article about the need for prayer. But something he missed is in the verses about marriage, it actually starts with "Submit to one another out of reverance for Christ". It does not say, "submit to one another out of reverance for Christ, except with your spouse." This comes BEFORE the verse on wives submitting to their husbands, as husbands submit to Christ. Observe that it says EVERYONE should submit to each other. We should be sacrifical in our service to one another. While wives are directly told to be submissive, as husbands, we should be sacrificial in our attitudes, which will also make us submissive as well. In other words, submission isn't just received by husbands from their wives, but they are to be submissive in their love for their wives as Christ loves the church. One of the great misconceptions of male headship of homes, is that they are to 'lord' over the home. But that's not the way Jesus taught leadership. His method is in direct conflict with later day management theory. He taught, "the last shall be first," "strenght through weakness," and "the meak shall inherit" etc.
I strongly recommend "Each for the Other" by Bryan Chappell to everyone.
I strongly recommend "Each for the Other" by Bryan Chappell to everyone.
John Jones
Austin, TX
I agree with the general thrust of Steve King's comments. Mr. Weathers's article seems to place far more importance on wifely submission than I believe is proper for Christians living in this century. I found the section headed "Sanctification" to be particularly disturbing. While I doubt Weathers intended this reading, the paragraph can be easily interpreted as implying that only "excellent" women can be wise. This presumption appears to have led to the author's somewhat dumbfounded response to his own wife's wise counsel, the surprise of which was followed by the mildly insulting suggestion that her ability to provide said counsel was dependent on his prayer.
The interpretation of New Testament passages regarding relations between the sexes is truly vexing, and I don't think that Mr. Weathers's article adds much to the discussion surrounding these passages. It is easy for men to laud as "glorious" burdens which we will never have to shoulder due to the accidents of our birth.
However, I disagree with Mr. King in one area. Unlike him, I don't think that articles like this one spring from misreadings of the Bible. First, while King is right in saying that Paul admonishes the Ephesians to submit to each other before he launches into his treatise on wifely submission, King's shock at the "misconception" of this passage by Christians--who have tended to place more importance on the latter command--is a bit surprising. The reason why the Christian community has tended to prize wifely submission over all other kinds can be easily explained. When biblical authors devote one verse to idea X and eleven to idea Y, Christians generally think that idea Y is the more consequential of the two. This is especially the case when biblical authors return to idea Y again (1 Corinthians 11) and again (Colossians 3) and again (1 Peter 3) with zero or similarly scant mention of idea X. In short, I think the "misconception" is not a misconception at all, but is rather a result of the fact that the authors of the New Testament appear to have been far more concerned that women submit to their husbands than with any other kind of submission.
Second, the origin of the "misconception" that men "are to 'lord' over the home" can be similarly explained. In 1 Peter 3.5-6, the author writes: "in the past, the holy women who hoped in God also beautified themselves in this way, submitting to their own husbands, just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord" (HCSB). Again, the lordship of men over the home is not a mistaken reading of the Bible, but conformity to its clear sense.
The real problem for Christians who wish to deal with the misogynistic slant of passages like the ones mentioned above is not correcting mistaken readings. Rather it is accepting that the Bible is a document with a history, one whose individual books were written by particular people who were participants in real (fallible) human culture. Should we be surprised that Paul and Peter, as citizens of a misogynist empire, occasionally penned misogynist statements? Not really. However, recognizing this influence, we should be careful to not let it influence us in our time, where such sentiments are clearly out of line with what we know to be right. Why is it that it is okay for By Faith to print Mr. Weathers's article, yet (presumably) the magazine would never print an article praising the "glorious" "glory" that is available to slaves who submit to their oppressors (Colossians 3, 1 Peter 2)? The easy answer to that question is that our culture (rightly) abhors slavery, and Christians now (rightly) ignore biblical comments about this form of submission as being time-bound relics that are no longer relevant in a just society. Yet why do we cling to biblical misogyny? Why is wifely submission still being praised (by men!) as a state that is "to be viewed with great glory"?
The interpretation of New Testament passages regarding relations between the sexes is truly vexing, and I don't think that Mr. Weathers's article adds much to the discussion surrounding these passages. It is easy for men to laud as "glorious" burdens which we will never have to shoulder due to the accidents of our birth.
However, I disagree with Mr. King in one area. Unlike him, I don't think that articles like this one spring from misreadings of the Bible. First, while King is right in saying that Paul admonishes the Ephesians to submit to each other before he launches into his treatise on wifely submission, King's shock at the "misconception" of this passage by Christians--who have tended to place more importance on the latter command--is a bit surprising. The reason why the Christian community has tended to prize wifely submission over all other kinds can be easily explained. When biblical authors devote one verse to idea X and eleven to idea Y, Christians generally think that idea Y is the more consequential of the two. This is especially the case when biblical authors return to idea Y again (1 Corinthians 11) and again (Colossians 3) and again (1 Peter 3) with zero or similarly scant mention of idea X. In short, I think the "misconception" is not a misconception at all, but is rather a result of the fact that the authors of the New Testament appear to have been far more concerned that women submit to their husbands than with any other kind of submission.
Second, the origin of the "misconception" that men "are to 'lord' over the home" can be similarly explained. In 1 Peter 3.5-6, the author writes: "in the past, the holy women who hoped in God also beautified themselves in this way, submitting to their own husbands, just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord" (HCSB). Again, the lordship of men over the home is not a mistaken reading of the Bible, but conformity to its clear sense.
The real problem for Christians who wish to deal with the misogynistic slant of passages like the ones mentioned above is not correcting mistaken readings. Rather it is accepting that the Bible is a document with a history, one whose individual books were written by particular people who were participants in real (fallible) human culture. Should we be surprised that Paul and Peter, as citizens of a misogynist empire, occasionally penned misogynist statements? Not really. However, recognizing this influence, we should be careful to not let it influence us in our time, where such sentiments are clearly out of line with what we know to be right. Why is it that it is okay for By Faith to print Mr. Weathers's article, yet (presumably) the magazine would never print an article praising the "glorious" "glory" that is available to slaves who submit to their oppressors (Colossians 3, 1 Peter 2)? The easy answer to that question is that our culture (rightly) abhors slavery, and Christians now (rightly) ignore biblical comments about this form of submission as being time-bound relics that are no longer relevant in a just society. Yet why do we cling to biblical misogyny? Why is wifely submission still being praised (by men!) as a state that is "to be viewed with great glory"?
TE Joel H. Linton
Evangel Presbytery (Missionary to Taiwan)
Mr. Jones, how can you simply say that Peter and Paul occasionally penned misogynist statements in the Bible when by the Bible's own testimony, men spoke as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit -- that the prophecy of Scripture never had its origin in the will of man. (2 Peter 1:20-21) Later in the same letter, Peter calls Paul's letters "Scripture" (3:16). Jesus and Paul made arguments that hung on specific words or whether the word of Scripture was singular or plural. If you from your own present cultural value system dismiss even a few comments of Paul's and Peter's writings and pick and choose what you want to hold as authoritative in Scripture, you have to reject the whole Bible because it testifies to itself to be originated from the Holy Spirit, not from the culture of the time. One cannot pick and choose. Either one must accept that while using human beings and their own styles of writing (plenary inspiration) the whole Bible was inspired by the Holy Spirit down to the very word usage (verbal inspiration), or one needs to chuck the whole thing out and go start one's own religion. I suggest the position you are advocating in your comments above is untenable.
Submission is considered a bad word, today. But a call to submit is not misogyny. Think about the Trinity. Jesus Christ, God the Son, submits to the Father, yet he is equal in power and glory. The Bible holds the same type of role distinction with men and women. There is neither male nor female in Christ (w.r.t. dignity, access to God, etc.) yet at the same time, wives are called to submit to their husbands. Not a contradiction, but rather a glorious reflection of the perfect beauty of the relationship within the Godhead.
Submission is considered a bad word, today. But a call to submit is not misogyny. Think about the Trinity. Jesus Christ, God the Son, submits to the Father, yet he is equal in power and glory. The Bible holds the same type of role distinction with men and women. There is neither male nor female in Christ (w.r.t. dignity, access to God, etc.) yet at the same time, wives are called to submit to their husbands. Not a contradiction, but rather a glorious reflection of the perfect beauty of the relationship within the Godhead.
Steve King
Jeffersonville, IN
TE Linton disqualifies himself when he says in his first submission (put intended) that a "husband should not submit to his wife", but yet acknowledges the great example of the Trinity. TE Linton stated the equality of the Trinity, but yet states males are superior to females in his first submission. How does he explain Ephesians 5:21, if husbands are never to submit to the needs of the wife as he implies? His misconception of what submission is, as stated in his first reply, is further confused by his admission in the second reply of the statement that one must not "pick and choose what you want to hold as authoritative in Scripture." You can not ignore the key to the whole point of submission. That we are to be giving all of ourselves in marriage to the other, with Christ as the head, and to be in service to each other, not being the one expecting to be served. That, my friend, is truly the "glorious reflection of the perfect beauty of the relationship within the Godhead."
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TE Joel H. Linton
Evangel Presbytery (Missionary to Taiwan)