For Single Christians, Freedom Can Bring Chaos
Dressed in her New Year’s finery of red flannel pajamas, the notoriously single Bridget Jones gulps her glass of wine and dramatically lip syncs the easy listening radio tune, “All by myself ... Don't want to be all by myself anymore … .” On the big screen, the mess of Bridget Jones, “spinster and lunatic,” sends us reeling with laughter. But in real life, the struggle of a thirtysomething single woman with no immediate prospects for marriage is a dilemma that isn't neatly resolved in a 90-minute package. In her book, Revelations of a Single Woman: Loving the Life I Didn’t Expect, Connally Gilliam bravely explores unexpected singleness and the accompanying ache of unfulfilled desires—an ache that touches married and single alike.
Gilliam may share her “unintentional singleness” with Bridget Jones, but that’s where the comparison ends. The 42-year-old grew up in Charlottesville, Va., one of three children born to the family of a PCA ruling elder. Now on staff with the Navigators in Washington, D.C. as a faith-based life coach, Gilliam had no aspirations of penning a book that would reveal the depths of her soul’s longings to the eyes of the gaping public—let alone the eyes of future dates. But, as she rounded the corner from her twenties to thirties, still unmarried despite expectations to the contrary, she began to wonder, “What's wrong with me?” Exploring the subject with friends, it soon became clear that the unintentional singleness she and her friends shared was part of a larger cultural phenomenon.
Gilliam may share her “unintentional singleness” with Bridget Jones, but that’s where the comparison ends. The 42-year-old grew up in Charlottesville, Va., one of three children born to the family of a PCA ruling elder. Now on staff with the Navigators in Washington, D.C. as a faith-based life coach, Gilliam had no aspirations of penning a book that would reveal the depths of her soul’s longings to the eyes of the gaping public—let alone the eyes of future dates. But, as she rounded the corner from her twenties to thirties, still unmarried despite expectations to the contrary, she began to wonder, “What's wrong with me?” Exploring the subject with friends, it soon became clear that the unintentional singleness she and her friends shared was part of a larger cultural phenomenon.
Dizzying Freedom
Gilliam contends that the very freedoms modern women enjoy—vocational opportunity, financial independence, geographic flexibility, educational choice—contribute to a sort of cultural chaos that has swept away the old rules like a balloon out of the hands of a two-year-old. What might have been “givens” for generations of females—marrying young, having babies, building families, managing households—now make up only one path on a complex trail map of options. “It's the freedom from virtually all boundaries, at least relative to previous generations, that can leave a single woman reeling inside,” she writes.
Liz Kimberlin, a 31-year-old member of Tenth Presbyterian (PCA) in Philadelphia, Pa., sees this freedom from boundaries as the blessing and curse of singleness. “There are so many options—a woman doesn't have to get married to be able to take care of herself anymore. The external constraints are not as limiting.” This image of boundless freedom is celebrated in our culture, Gilliam observes. “Every image of single life is shaped by the media—Seinfeld, Friends, Sex in the City. If you're not living a hot, sexy life, there's something wrong with you.”
But who really wants to be Elaine or Kramer, Phoebe or Joey, Carrie or Mr. Big? Not Clyde Taylor. The 40-year-old single member of Alexandria Presbyterian (PCA) outside of Washington, D.C., says, “Society lifts up the idea of freedom and transience. But as you get older, it's not as attractive as it seems—stability and companionship are really appealing.” Gilliam describes the reason our hearts ache in the midst of this supposedly glorious freedom: we're created for deep, meaningful relationships. “With busted boundaries galore, so many of my friends—women and men—still yearn for some elusive sense of freedom,” she writes. “Maybe more than ever before, walking bravely and freely demands the constraint of a heart aligned with True North, because the cultural maps are now so up for grabs.”
His Way in the Whirlwind
The chaos singles experience stems not only from a deconstruction of boundaries, but from the transience of our culture. In the whirlwind of change—vocational, geographic, marital—friends come and go, leaving hard-to-fill gaps and holes. “Unlike the TV show,” Gilliam writes, “friends don't always stay around for 10 seasons ... . After a while you can start to feel as if various parts of you are poured out into many people and places—some real, some virtual, none satisfyingly constant.” Gilliam says that without the grounding influence that extended families used to provide, singles find themselves asking, “Where do I belong?” This question of belonging can leave singles feeling relegated to an emotional, if not literal, homelessness, Gilliam suggests.
Yet, she says with conviction, “God is still showing up in the chaos of our culture.” Her words echo Nahum 1:3, “His way is in the whirlwind and the storm.” God has not left singles to navigate the trail map on their own and to wander aimlessly when the path is washed out in a storm. “The father-heart of God will lead us through the chaos,” writes Gilliam. “We simply need to grow in trust that he wants to and is capable ... . I'm also banking on the hope that if I could see the big picture, I'd see the little zigzags amid the spinning chaos as part of a much straighter path, slowly funneling us straight toward eternity.”
The Ache
With roughly 12 million more single women than single men in the evangelical church, it's statistically impossible for all female Christian singles to marry. [See related story here.] Gilliam suggests that ultimately, single Christians—particularly women—will have to face the question of, “What is my life for?” She says, “If my life is about me and about realizing my dreams, I'm going to despair.” As singles acknowledge a greater purpose, how do they cope with the unfulfilled expectations of marriage, the desire for intimate relationships, the lack of belonging? “We neither vilify desire, nor do we idolize it,” says Gilliam. “We hold it open in our hands and acknowledge, 'I live with unmet desires, and that aches.'”
Kimberlin agrees. “We can acknowledge that the sufferings are real. Christ was clearly alone in a real way ... . Acknowledging the pain doesn't make me a desperate woman.” When a friend observed that Gilliam had suffered as a result of her singleness, she balked at first, “Isn't suffering when you have a horrible disease, lose a family member in a car wreck, or starve in a famine?” she asked. “But in calling it 'suffering,' [my friend] was legitimizing a part of me that did ache at sleeping alone every night.”
The celibacy of Christian singles is no small part of that suffering. “I think at some level,” Gilliam writes, “there's simply an element of relentless struggle in this area for someone who doesn't feel sexually shut down but is practicing celibacy.” Although many Christian communities fail to talk openly about sex—especially among singles—Gilliam concludes that in their celibacy, singles are uniquely sharing in the sufferings of Christ. Jesus longed for the day when His bride—the Church—would be fully restored to Him. “That not-yet-met ache for union with his bride ... was an aspect of Jesus' ongoing suffering with which we ... identify,” Gilliam writes.
If God is showing up in the chaos, where is He in the ache? Gilliam writes, “When we let the ache become part of our story and not something to be conquered through striving or numbed by our narcotic of choice, it can serve us well. It can propel us forward, paradoxically, in life-giving—even joy-giving—ways. It can remind us that we are made for something more—that this life is not all it was intended to be—and it's good to want more. It can remind us that our longing for intimacy, connection, and home is real. It can prompt us to look at our lives honestly and face current realities head-on. Of course, we'll never be able to wade through our fears and questions if we don't risk facing them. And the ache can help us face them, if we'll let it.”
God Shows Up
Taylor describes the ways in which God has used his singleness—and the accompanying ache—to teach and mold him. “When you're waiting for something, God has a way of shaping you during this time, and changing your expectations during the wait,” he says. “God shapes you by making you realize that what you're waiting for is not the ultimate satisfaction.” Although he desires marriage, Taylor feels it's a question of the right person and the right time, according to God's leading. “There are times when it does feel like suffering, but most married people would probably say the same thing,” he says. “God uses suffering to change us and make us more like Himself.”
Kimberlin's trail of singleness—although not as long as others'—has been a rocky one. Following a painful and heart-wrenching end to an engagement, Kimberlin found refuge in her church. “I have been really watered and cared for by the church. There has been a deep sense of knowing God as a husband,” she says. “I have experienced the muscular love of God in that—He is there to rescue me.” Kimberlin testifies to the joy of walking with Christ along the rocky path. Her efforts to “let the ache work” have taught her in ways she didn't expect. “I know who I am as a woman, and I know how I want to love a husband some day.”
For Gilliam, the chaos of life and the ache of singleness have lead to greater surrender. “For me, the craziness and loss have shaken me so hard that though my teeth haven't fallen out (yet), my tight grip on the good things from the past, real or imagined, has been loosened,” she writes. “My hands are more open to receive whatever gifts God wants to give me in the present.” Those gifts include a greater dependence on God and an interdependence with other people, says Gilliam. “I've needed the body of Christ to be my family.”
The Church as Family
Gilliam says for her the church is “a portal into deeper connection.” But how does the church nurture those connections and create an environment where singles can build meaningful relationships with the larger body of Christ? To Gilliam, it's not necessarily creating a stellar singles group. “The church must have a strong sense of mission,” she says. “A shared mission creates a sense of community like nothing else.” Gilliam sees linking singles with families as an important way to help singles feel connected. “There is something about being with a family—even if it's not your own—that grounds people spiritually, emotionally ... . And a single person brings a unique presence to families.”
Taylor agrees that interacting with a variety of ages and stages of people is vital to a healthy social network for singles. He says, “Singles need some significant connection with families—it provides a different perspective and an opportunity to experience family apart from your own.” Married couples offer a good source for relationship advice, he adds. However, Taylor sees a place for singles ministry. “Single adults in the church need a place to meet—activities geared toward singles are important,” he says. “Singles groups can get unhealthy,” he admits. “But that's not a reason not to have one.”
Kimberlin offers a different perspective. “Singles are no longer one demographic,” she emphasizes. “There's not a program to minister to the needs of all single people. Singles need to be incorporated into everything in the life of the body.” Kimberlin suggests a good question for churches to evaluate their singles ministry: Do we actively involve singles in the leadership of the church? On a practical level, Gilliam describes one church that assigned a deacon to the single women of the congregation to coordinate assistance with physical needs, such as moving, car maintenance, and household needs. “This reminds me of the deacons assigned to the widows in the early church,” notes Gilliam.
Kimberlin may best summarize the first step for churches to more effectively minister to singles in today's culture: “The church needs honesty like Revelations of a Single Woman to better deal with the singles in their midst.” As Gilliam narrates her journey through unintentional singleness, she offers an authentic and humorous perspective on navigating the disappointing shortfalls and gaps of life. If Bridget Jones' Diary gave us a glimpse into the female mind, Revelations of a Single Woman gives us a glimpse into the female soul, and unveils the hope that can arise out of the ache that plagues us all.
Susan Fikse is a member of Intown Community Church (PCA) in Atlanta. Freelance writing is a welcome respite from her real job of corralling three young children and managing an animated household with her husband, Jonathan.
Gilliam contends that the very freedoms modern women enjoy—vocational opportunity, financial independence, geographic flexibility, educational choice—contribute to a sort of cultural chaos that has swept away the old rules like a balloon out of the hands of a two-year-old. What might have been “givens” for generations of females—marrying young, having babies, building families, managing households—now make up only one path on a complex trail map of options. “It's the freedom from virtually all boundaries, at least relative to previous generations, that can leave a single woman reeling inside,” she writes.
Liz Kimberlin, a 31-year-old member of Tenth Presbyterian (PCA) in Philadelphia, Pa., sees this freedom from boundaries as the blessing and curse of singleness. “There are so many options—a woman doesn't have to get married to be able to take care of herself anymore. The external constraints are not as limiting.” This image of boundless freedom is celebrated in our culture, Gilliam observes. “Every image of single life is shaped by the media—Seinfeld, Friends, Sex in the City. If you're not living a hot, sexy life, there's something wrong with you.”
But who really wants to be Elaine or Kramer, Phoebe or Joey, Carrie or Mr. Big? Not Clyde Taylor. The 40-year-old single member of Alexandria Presbyterian (PCA) outside of Washington, D.C., says, “Society lifts up the idea of freedom and transience. But as you get older, it's not as attractive as it seems—stability and companionship are really appealing.” Gilliam describes the reason our hearts ache in the midst of this supposedly glorious freedom: we're created for deep, meaningful relationships. “With busted boundaries galore, so many of my friends—women and men—still yearn for some elusive sense of freedom,” she writes. “Maybe more than ever before, walking bravely and freely demands the constraint of a heart aligned with True North, because the cultural maps are now so up for grabs.”
His Way in the Whirlwind
The chaos singles experience stems not only from a deconstruction of boundaries, but from the transience of our culture. In the whirlwind of change—vocational, geographic, marital—friends come and go, leaving hard-to-fill gaps and holes. “Unlike the TV show,” Gilliam writes, “friends don't always stay around for 10 seasons ... . After a while you can start to feel as if various parts of you are poured out into many people and places—some real, some virtual, none satisfyingly constant.” Gilliam says that without the grounding influence that extended families used to provide, singles find themselves asking, “Where do I belong?” This question of belonging can leave singles feeling relegated to an emotional, if not literal, homelessness, Gilliam suggests.
Yet, she says with conviction, “God is still showing up in the chaos of our culture.” Her words echo Nahum 1:3, “His way is in the whirlwind and the storm.” God has not left singles to navigate the trail map on their own and to wander aimlessly when the path is washed out in a storm. “The father-heart of God will lead us through the chaos,” writes Gilliam. “We simply need to grow in trust that he wants to and is capable ... . I'm also banking on the hope that if I could see the big picture, I'd see the little zigzags amid the spinning chaos as part of a much straighter path, slowly funneling us straight toward eternity.”
The Ache
With roughly 12 million more single women than single men in the evangelical church, it's statistically impossible for all female Christian singles to marry. [See related story here.] Gilliam suggests that ultimately, single Christians—particularly women—will have to face the question of, “What is my life for?” She says, “If my life is about me and about realizing my dreams, I'm going to despair.” As singles acknowledge a greater purpose, how do they cope with the unfulfilled expectations of marriage, the desire for intimate relationships, the lack of belonging? “We neither vilify desire, nor do we idolize it,” says Gilliam. “We hold it open in our hands and acknowledge, 'I live with unmet desires, and that aches.'”
Kimberlin agrees. “We can acknowledge that the sufferings are real. Christ was clearly alone in a real way ... . Acknowledging the pain doesn't make me a desperate woman.” When a friend observed that Gilliam had suffered as a result of her singleness, she balked at first, “Isn't suffering when you have a horrible disease, lose a family member in a car wreck, or starve in a famine?” she asked. “But in calling it 'suffering,' [my friend] was legitimizing a part of me that did ache at sleeping alone every night.”
The celibacy of Christian singles is no small part of that suffering. “I think at some level,” Gilliam writes, “there's simply an element of relentless struggle in this area for someone who doesn't feel sexually shut down but is practicing celibacy.” Although many Christian communities fail to talk openly about sex—especially among singles—Gilliam concludes that in their celibacy, singles are uniquely sharing in the sufferings of Christ. Jesus longed for the day when His bride—the Church—would be fully restored to Him. “That not-yet-met ache for union with his bride ... was an aspect of Jesus' ongoing suffering with which we ... identify,” Gilliam writes.
If God is showing up in the chaos, where is He in the ache? Gilliam writes, “When we let the ache become part of our story and not something to be conquered through striving or numbed by our narcotic of choice, it can serve us well. It can propel us forward, paradoxically, in life-giving—even joy-giving—ways. It can remind us that we are made for something more—that this life is not all it was intended to be—and it's good to want more. It can remind us that our longing for intimacy, connection, and home is real. It can prompt us to look at our lives honestly and face current realities head-on. Of course, we'll never be able to wade through our fears and questions if we don't risk facing them. And the ache can help us face them, if we'll let it.”
God Shows Up
Taylor describes the ways in which God has used his singleness—and the accompanying ache—to teach and mold him. “When you're waiting for something, God has a way of shaping you during this time, and changing your expectations during the wait,” he says. “God shapes you by making you realize that what you're waiting for is not the ultimate satisfaction.” Although he desires marriage, Taylor feels it's a question of the right person and the right time, according to God's leading. “There are times when it does feel like suffering, but most married people would probably say the same thing,” he says. “God uses suffering to change us and make us more like Himself.”
Kimberlin's trail of singleness—although not as long as others'—has been a rocky one. Following a painful and heart-wrenching end to an engagement, Kimberlin found refuge in her church. “I have been really watered and cared for by the church. There has been a deep sense of knowing God as a husband,” she says. “I have experienced the muscular love of God in that—He is there to rescue me.” Kimberlin testifies to the joy of walking with Christ along the rocky path. Her efforts to “let the ache work” have taught her in ways she didn't expect. “I know who I am as a woman, and I know how I want to love a husband some day.”
For Gilliam, the chaos of life and the ache of singleness have lead to greater surrender. “For me, the craziness and loss have shaken me so hard that though my teeth haven't fallen out (yet), my tight grip on the good things from the past, real or imagined, has been loosened,” she writes. “My hands are more open to receive whatever gifts God wants to give me in the present.” Those gifts include a greater dependence on God and an interdependence with other people, says Gilliam. “I've needed the body of Christ to be my family.”
The Church as Family
Gilliam says for her the church is “a portal into deeper connection.” But how does the church nurture those connections and create an environment where singles can build meaningful relationships with the larger body of Christ? To Gilliam, it's not necessarily creating a stellar singles group. “The church must have a strong sense of mission,” she says. “A shared mission creates a sense of community like nothing else.” Gilliam sees linking singles with families as an important way to help singles feel connected. “There is something about being with a family—even if it's not your own—that grounds people spiritually, emotionally ... . And a single person brings a unique presence to families.”
Taylor agrees that interacting with a variety of ages and stages of people is vital to a healthy social network for singles. He says, “Singles need some significant connection with families—it provides a different perspective and an opportunity to experience family apart from your own.” Married couples offer a good source for relationship advice, he adds. However, Taylor sees a place for singles ministry. “Single adults in the church need a place to meet—activities geared toward singles are important,” he says. “Singles groups can get unhealthy,” he admits. “But that's not a reason not to have one.”
Kimberlin offers a different perspective. “Singles are no longer one demographic,” she emphasizes. “There's not a program to minister to the needs of all single people. Singles need to be incorporated into everything in the life of the body.” Kimberlin suggests a good question for churches to evaluate their singles ministry: Do we actively involve singles in the leadership of the church? On a practical level, Gilliam describes one church that assigned a deacon to the single women of the congregation to coordinate assistance with physical needs, such as moving, car maintenance, and household needs. “This reminds me of the deacons assigned to the widows in the early church,” notes Gilliam.
Kimberlin may best summarize the first step for churches to more effectively minister to singles in today's culture: “The church needs honesty like Revelations of a Single Woman to better deal with the singles in their midst.” As Gilliam narrates her journey through unintentional singleness, she offers an authentic and humorous perspective on navigating the disappointing shortfalls and gaps of life. If Bridget Jones' Diary gave us a glimpse into the female mind, Revelations of a Single Woman gives us a glimpse into the female soul, and unveils the hope that can arise out of the ache that plagues us all.
Susan Fikse is a member of Intown Community Church (PCA) in Atlanta. Freelance writing is a welcome respite from her real job of corralling three young children and managing an animated household with her husband, Jonathan.
Comments
D Joyner
Cincinnati, Ohio
I agree with this article to a certain extent. We must remeber, however, the singles in the Bible who remained unwed to the glorification of the kingdom of God. There where several people chosen by God not to have families, but to have the freedom of mobility to "go into the wilderness" to minister and spread the gospel. I think the best thing to do is for each individual Christian to commune with the Holy Spirit on a regular basis asking for purpose and accept what God wants for us. Our deepest desires will be fulfilled by God and God alone. Simply stated: there is nothing wrong with being single.
Dawn
Rural Haiti (originally Cincinnati)
It isn't either / or at all! I am a single woman in tentmaker mission service - very much called to be single now so that I can head to areas and do service that a married person might have trouble doing. but even though I KNOW that's what I'm called to, the lack of the close support system normally provided by a spouse and family is about the hardest thing I deal with. There's nothing wrong with being single - or acknowleging that accepting that truly is a sacrifice that stings many days. God uses his people to minister to and support each other - and that is tough when you don't have folk around committed to being that for you.
Laif Salvadori
las vegas
This is the second article in byFaith mag. I appreciate the work you folks are doing and it has ministered greatly to me. We seem to always have these why issues before us and the helps you have delivered are comforting to my weary soul. i am thankful our pastor Tim Posey had turned us on to byFaith. yahoo Christ bless your work
Jerdone
South Carolina
Reading this article is like reading my life in earlier years. "Back then" my look was always forward reaching, a vain searching for something out there rather than living in the present. I have had to (and sometimes still do as I "look toward" my elder years) train my heart and mind to live "now," mustering my little faith in God who provides all that I need to seek His call for the moment. Once I discern that call it is my privilege and joy to give it my all.
What I am describing is no different for any Christian human, whether single or married. This is a comforting revelation to know that we all are in the human condition together. I appreciate and agree with the writer in all she has written. I identify with every word!
Raising the awareness level of us all to the "chaos" of life in a single frame is important for effective ministry to occur. May we heed the words of this wise and vulnerable writer, and celebrate with her God's unique call to singleness for her in "the now" of life.
What I am describing is no different for any Christian human, whether single or married. This is a comforting revelation to know that we all are in the human condition together. I appreciate and agree with the writer in all she has written. I identify with every word!
Raising the awareness level of us all to the "chaos" of life in a single frame is important for effective ministry to occur. May we heed the words of this wise and vulnerable writer, and celebrate with her God's unique call to singleness for her in "the now" of life.
Leave a Comment
Subscribe here to get full access to the latest articles and best resources
Katherine
San Diego
Also, what I find interesting is how culture plays a BIG part. I know co-workers who have family members, extended, still have the marriages arranged. I think the probability that there are many single women in their culture are considerably less!